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Dating a rich guy and feeling guilty. Is there anything I can do for him?
I am a 25F, recently graduated and in a lot of debt. I met this guy whos in his late twenties, and who is frankly very well off. I swear I am not a gold-digger, and I was honestly quite reluctant when he first asked me out. We have a mutual friend and I knew he came from a very different background than mine.
Anyway I did not expect the date to go well at all, but here we are still going strong after a month. He knows I do not have a car, and live in a small room in a shared apartment. So he always picks me up and drops me off, but never comes in my room. Hed rather we always meet up at his place, and I understand thats just more convenient and private, but I cant help feeling small. I understand this is my insecurity though, and not his fault.
The real guilt I have is that I feel our budding friendship is just not balanced. He gave me ridiculously expensive gilfts for Christmas and all I could afford was a tie. And even otherwise he is always more than ready to pay for me all the time, offers help in financial situations and I feel like an ass. Moreso at social gatherings where people know both of us.
Just want to (1) get to know how other whove been in imbalanced relationships financially have coped up; and (2) more importantly, if you had a poor girlfriend how could she compensate for all this?
I love making money, but money doesnt really mean all that much to me in terms of the relationship. It isnt like I am buying her love.
I buy things that make my life nicer. Paying for dinner out is worth it to have a beautiful and lively dining companion, as is inviting her to spend winters in the Caribbean on my sailboat because we enjoy the time together, and paying for her daughter to come sailing with us because it makes my lover happy to see her family.
I like equality of effort in the relationship; cooking dinner, planning nights out, communicating, initiating and participation in sex, etc. There isnt ever expectation of service to compensate for something Ive paid for. Its just refreshing to allow our relationship to exist as a normal relationship.
In some cases, people with money tend to think that they can use it to help (or in harsher words manipulate) people around them. Just like a pretty woman has power with her looks, rich people have power with their money. Be careful that both of you dont fall into that vortex.
No homo, but Id let you saild be around te Caribbean…
He wouldnt be with you if he didnt like you.
Woman (22) here. I just broke up with a millionaire (29) a couple of weeks back, but heres some insight from my relationship.
Firstly, please bear in mindyoure not dating a rich guy. Youre just dating a guy. Its not like the things you have to give him will correspond with how high he is on the Maslovs Pyramid.
When I dated mine, everyone confirmed their thoughts that I am a gold-digger. Hes the cream of the crop, while Im really below-average in all areas. Like you, I felt that the inputs I gave were financially-inferior. Im pretty sickly, so had I as much as let out a sneeze on the phone and if hes overseas, hed drop thousands on flights back to nurse me just for a few hours. Once he hijacked me from work to a classy social gathering where everyone were hosh-posh and knew proper table manners. I was blushing deeply the whole night since I felt like a misfit. Wearing hand-me-downs and footwear that has been falling apart for years which I couldnt bear to replace.
At least from what I know from dating men whose success are self-made, theyre pretty lonely. Lonely in their wealth and independence. An observation and not a generalization. The most common response when I asked if there was anything I could give in return was just a stumped look and a I never thought of getting anything in return. I guess if a person loves you they do their best within their capabilities without ever thinking of anything in return. So there is no compensation that you should think of. He dated you knowing you werent as well off as he is. He can do things that you cant, and you can do things that he cant do.
Funnily afterwards, later on in my relationships, they would ask if I could cook for them. Nevermind that Im really terrible at cooking.
Thinking that the simplicity of the answer was just a coincidence or that their just being polite to me, I went and asked my circle of yuppie male friends for advice. I am happiest when the woman cooks for me. Even if the food sucks, even if its just M&C, I dont think that anything can make me happier than having someone cook for me.
So cook for him. Make him something. Initiate sex once in a while. Tease him. Feed him. Tug and release. Forget that hes rich. Dont ever distinguish the man you are dating by his riches.
Generally, men are more romantic than women. You shouldnt quantify their efforts towards you and try to match up to what they have done. Thats what women do. From one woman to another, I should say that women are easily touched by the big gestures of men. They like to be worshiped but are paradoxically intimidated or feel inferior by such acts. Men care about the consistent small actions, all they want is to be appreciated.
Men care about the consistent small actions, all they want is to be appreciated.
as a man, this is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO true… (see my previous post)
I have a fair amount of money, all that I ask of my girlfriend is that shes there for me. She doesnt need to do anything special just because I can treat her.
I started making pretty good money straight out of college and I dated some girls who were just flat broke, often because they were still finishing up school or had just graduated. One of them, lets call her Nancy, worked hard as a waitress while taking some time off from college. Whenever we would go out, she would always try to buy me at least a drink. I would take her for dinner somewhere nice one evening and in the morning she would get us breakfast – nothing more than some bagels with eggs & cheese, but Im a simple eater so I didnt mind. What mattered to me was that she cared enough to try to contribute where she could. The $10 she spent on bagels hurt her a lot more than the $50 I would spend on dinner and she would insist on it. I had a lot of respect for her and didnt mind at all that she was broke. When it was her birthday, I went all out to do something special and I wasnt bothered at all by what I spent.
This other girl I dated, lets call her Jen, was the opposite. She was also broke, maybe a bit more than Nancy, but she almost expected me to pay everything. It really turned me off. I drew the line when she one day dragged me to some photography exhibit that I clearly didnt care for and when they asked for $15 bucks admission fee each, she didnt even look to pay or reach for her wallet. After that I told her shes been too much about having me pay for everything. I always felt she was a bit of a moocher and couldnt have the same respect for her that I had for Nancy in that regard.
Basically, as long as you dont take it for granted, he wont be bothered at all. Theres not need for your to feel small, youre at different stages in life, and if he cared about your financial situation he wouldnt be dating you.
I had a similar unbalance in my last relationship, my ex made a lot more money than I do (masters, poorly paying part time job, student loans and debts etc). I felt pretty guilty that he kept treating me to things and insecure that he was convinced thats why I was there. I realised the best way to get past that was to communicate. We talked about it, and turned out it hadnt even crossed his mind, so Id definitely advise a conversation about it!
Though I still attempted to maintain some kind of balance, for every treat or present Id make sure I did/got him something in return. It didnt have to be as expensive or as grand as his tokens of affection, I made sure to stay within my means, as long as he knew Id put thought into it. Ie. I got tickets to the local hockey game, took him rock climbing, and picnics etc.
As for social situations, it can be unnerving when everyone know you. But youre not together because of how much money you make, youre together because you like each other. If youre happy and hes happy then dont fret 🙂
The longer we dated the more comfortable it became; we enjoyed each others company, we had mutual respect for each other, and he was understanding of the financial situation I was in. Show him you appreciate it with whatever treats you see fit.
To summarize, talk about it, there are plenty of great inexpensive date ideas and gifts out there be they a home cooked meal or a day and about. I hope some of this is even mildly helpful OP. Hope youve had a great Christmas and have a wonderful New Year, good luck 🙂
Sounds like you ought to have a conversation with him about this. I mean obviously be tactful and shit but tell him that you dont need him to be a sugar daddy or that you need all this expensive shit. Put your relationship on equal footing by putting limits on things he can do for you. For example, that gift idea. Maybe try putting a price cap on things so that instead of just blowing a huge wad of dough on you , you both can bring something to the relationship on equal value.
Id advise you to also do nice things for him
And maybe its just me, but I dont think that she should be doing his cleaning if they dont live together (just like I wouldnt expect him to pay her electric bill if they dont live together).
Edit- just edited for clarity, removed the phrase such as cooking and cleaning from what I quoted. I dont think she has any responsibility of home upkeep beyond cleaning up after herself.
Im glad that worked out for you, but its not really typical (short of tidying up dishes after you cook together/cleaning up after yourself).
my girlfriend does the same thing. obviously not expected, but dont think its particularly uncommon. i think the train of thought is that the dishes in your sink annoy them, but they cant make you do them because its your house so they just do them. also to be nice.
I wasnt arguing that those things are not traditionally feminine, I was saying that that the nice things she does dont have to be feminine. If shes a lousy cook she shouldnt serve crap on a plate just because its feminine to cook.
Honestly I really dont think that she has any responsibility to help with the upkeep of his home unless they live together or she spends so much time there that she might as well live there. Its his house, its his responsibility.
Anyway Im going to edit my first comment so that the meaning is more clear.
Its so hard to list these things because they tend to be small and personal. For example, when Im going through the grocery store checkout Ill usually grab starbursts and pick out the red ones for my boyfriend because he loves them… or I text him when a steam game I know he wants is on sale… or I remind him when his sisters birthdays are coming… or I make sure he knows when theres bad traffic. Stuff like that!
See why I didnt mention anything specific? Op needs to figure out what her boyfriends red starburst is and do that. Anything else I could say would read like a 101 top relationship tips magazine article.
Can you cook for him? Dining at restaurants all the time is taking advantage of his wealth. Cooking for him, maybe preparing a picnic lunch and going to a park, thats you contributing.
Do you suggest inexpensive entertainments? Museums, art galleries, things like that? If you always want to see something on Broadway, thats you taking advantage of his money. If you go to see a high school production ofBeauty and the Beast, thats not.
What about just hanging out? If youre over at his place, do you just pop a bowl of popcorn and watch movies, or do you expect him order in takeout every time? Do you straighten up the dishes or expect the maid to do it?
If he chooses, and chooses something expensive, thats on him. But insofar as you are choosing, if you pick the same kinds of thing you pick with a non-wealthy boyfriend, and the same entertainments that you could afford on your own, then youre not taking advantage and you shouldnt feel guilty.
Im doing pretty okay for myself as a guy in my late twenties, so maybe I can offer a possible view of your boyfriends motives. I am honestly quite happy to share my earnings with people I really care about. Its not a tit-for-tat situation where I expect the same back. I guess its just how I show my appreciation of how happy my friends and family make me feel. The way I see it is I have a comfortable amount of disposable income; I could either save it for a rainy day on top of my regular savings or spread the joy instead. Their happiness is my happiness too.
I can understand why you are uncomfortable with him buying expensive gifts. I have been guilty of going a bit too far with gifts early in relationships, probably because Im so happy that I feel like I need to get an awesome gift.
Try to look at this from his POV. (Or mine if I was him)
He likes buying you expensive gifts, because he can and its sort of a chest puffing exercise. He doesnt do it with the expectation of anything in return. Personally, I would not go buying expensive gifts for someone that I went on a first date with a month ago, but w/e.
I wouldnt really expect much in terms of a gift from someone I went on a first date with a month ago. But I would be thrilled to get one, doesnt really matter what it is.
I wouldnt resent having to pay your way on expensive outings that I invite you too. Its between that or you not being there so Im going to pay for it. Just dont be like Lets go get dinner at this new place and then look at him when the check comes, thats kind of dickish and would eventually piss me off.
TLDRdont worry about it too much, just express appreciation and show a lot of affection.
Personally, I would not go buying expensive gifts for someone that I went on a first date with a month ago, but w/e.
Theyre expensive to her, but not to him. Its all relative.
Your insecurities will ruin the relationship if you continue to indulge them. Ive been in and seen relationships with unbalanced finances (although more parents money), and it usually led to problems.
Have you talked to him about how the inequality makes you uncomfortable? You need to find something that you feel contributes to the relationship, since I think the fundamental problem is that you feel like youre freeloading.
Dont be ashamed. Coming from an inexperienced freshman in college with a seasonal job as a lifeguard who mooches off his parents, Ive been feeling ashamed as well. My SO is still in high school so she can have the luxury of a car to drive to and from her steady job at a near by retail store.We were recently on our second date and I had my parents transfer just enough for a good dinner and a bear from build-a-bear. I wanted to have the satisfaction of spending money on her just to see her pleased. The joy I saw in her eyes were surpassed by the cookies I had made for her a couple days prior and thats when I realized money cant buy happiness. If he cares enough to keep you happy with what he can give you, accept it and reciprocate the feelings by showing your appreciation. Personally, just seeing a genuine smile on that pretty face is enough to make this Christmas the best. Just tell him he can cut back on his spending. This could possibly put you at ease and his wallet as well.
Just be you; if he likes you that is all that matters
You dont have to feel bad at all, since you dont sound like a gold digger. He just has that money and chooses to spend it with you. Whats money for if you cant have fun out of it with the people you like?
Gifts are best measured first by how well thought / carefully made / hand-made / useful they are, second by how much time did it take you to do or get it (esp. for stuff you created yourself), and lastly and least importantly by how much money did you spendout of your monthly income.
For example, if youre making 500 € a month and hes making 5000 € a month, your 20 € gift is as big an effort as his 200 € gift. Actually its a lot better, because there are fixed costs of living to subtract. But more importantly, arranging a wonderful date in the woods then going back somewhere and cooking your partner his/her favourite dinner and having awesome sex would rank better than just buying a 100 € dress if youre making thousands a month.
My partner and I have very different income levels, where I make much more than she does.
For gifts, she is very thoughtful. For Christmas, she bought me a bunch of geeky t-shirts that are all very funny and cool for me. She considers what I like and puts extra time in to finding me something she can afford.
On a regular basis, the best thing she can do is be a stable, low stress person. If he is comfortable with money, the last thing he is going to want (or anyone would want) is to deal with a high stress, high maintenance person. Deal with your shit and dont bring it into the relationship.
Keep in mind that he isnt with you for what you provide to the relationship – he isnt a gold digger. He is with you for companionship and an emotional connection. Be yourself, be a good person, be a nice and considerate person, and you are doing exactly what you need to do to be a good partner.
I have. I never let her pay for anything, and bought her expensive stuff for Christmas/birthday…though mostly utilitarian, like a new cookware set to replace the Goodwill mess she had. (I dont date shiny-object nuts)
She tried to pay me back for some things…I snuck it back into her purse later. She never quite figured that one out, to my amusement. I didnt know I had a $20 in here Fortunately Im good at keeping a straight face. She expressed some guilt at me paying for nights out, vacations to the Adirondacks, a birthday bash for her at the casino in Atlantic City…but I explained that I wouldnt be doing these things if it wasnt for her, and just her being with me was repayment enough.
Besides, Im the one that asked her out, its all my fault! I told her that, and she hugged me and cried, and told me she loved me.Money well spent, and certainly not missed.
He gave me ridiculously expensive gilfts for Christmas and all I could afford was atiemy time and love.
Unless hes a douchebag, the best gift a man can receive is that look of absolute adoration from their SO. Its devastating to lose and the best high to get.
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