A female friend asked me over a drink one day whether I had any tips on how she can lock down her husband forever. I immediately started imagining her throwing her hubby in a dark cage after sunset and maniacally laughing as she twisted a thick key to keep him hidden from the world. Her husband is a wealthy fella who is charming enough to have a whole lot of extracurricular fun if he wanted to. Shes attractive and successful as well, but still she has fears.
My friends situation reminded me of aUC Berkeley studythat foundwealthier peopleare more prone to cheating, taking candy from children, and failing to wait their turn at four-way stops. This is pretty obvious if you think about the correlation. When youve got more money, youve got more options. When youve got more options, youve got more temptations. When youve got more temptations, the chances of fulfilling those temptations goes up.
Men who know youre the best thing theyre ever going to get are much less likely to cheat. Theyll probably appreciate you much more, be more attentive to your needs, wash the dishes, do the laundry, vacuum the floor, take out the trash, keep the bathrooms clean, give you foot massages, buy you flowers every week, take you on romantic trips to Target, and maybe even let you go out for drinks with your handsome physical trainer. Nirvana right?
Im always on the lookout for any type of correlation between relationships and money because the topic is so fun! Several years ago a blogging buddy sold his personal finance site for $4 million dollars. Soon after, he divorced his wife and decided to travel the world with another woman. Coincidence? Or did money give him the courage to break free? Its likeObamacareallowing millions of Americans to no longer be tethered to a job they despise anymore.Screw you boss! Im outta here!
Lets discuss three strategies women can deploy to lock down their men and create happier relationships.
The highest chance for a woman has of losing her man is when he is between 32-52 years old, depending on age of marriage. At 32 years old, a man is finally coming into his own after 8-10 years of work. He still looks relatively young and is probably finally where he wants to be in his career. Hes making more money and can afford a car and probably an apartment as well. Hes much more confident than he was in his 20s. I put the upper limit at 52 just because of the confluence of age, fitness, attitudes towards dating, and fading energy. Many of the playboys I know get this what the hell am I doing moment after reaching 40 and 50 if they are still single.
Most men are average to below-average looking compared to women. But if you give an average man some money and some platform shoes, hell feel better than average. And if you give an average man a lot of money, then he may start thinking hes Gods gift to women.
If youre insecure and feel that your man is going to stray, then I suppose you can sabotage your mans wealth building efforts by talking bad about him to his bosses and colleagues. You can secretly syphon money out of your joint bank account. Or you can prevent him from sleeping so hes grouchy and doesnt perform well at work. But that might make you guys both miserable. Instead, here are three better ways to keep your man when it comes to money.
1) Make more than your man.It doesnt matter if your man is making a tidy $200,000 a year. If you are making $225,000 a year, your man will feel a little bit insufficient. He wants to at least make the same. The poorer you make him feel, the more you can control him. Its much rarer for men to have sugar mamas. If a man stumbles across one, he will hold onto her for dear life. Ive got acouple friends who married female doctorsand they give me high fives every week when we meet up in the middle of the day for tennis. Ive got another friend who married into mega wealth and his life revolves around throwing parties, taking private jets to the Super Bowl, raising money for charity, taking care of his children, and traveling the world. He is never going to stray from his wife because he doesnt have his own way of making a steady source of income!
2) Come from a wealthier or more powerful family.If you cant make more than your man, then at least come from a wealthier or more prestigious family. If your parents are CEOs of multi-national corporations or won gold medals at the 1984 Olympic games, your man will feel extreme pressure to try and make himself worth more to you and your parents. It doesnt matter if hes already perfect. What matters is that he wont feel perfect, and will therefore be more appreciative. Coming from a family of politicians or a politically connected family also does the trick. Power is often more intoxicating than money because less people have power.
3) Demonstrate amazing talents.If you can neither make more money than your man nor come from a wealthier or more prestigious family, then you must develop an amazing talent he both admires and envies. Figure out what type of lessons he took growing up. Maybe he always wanted to be a violinist, but failed after book five of the Suzuki Method. Maybe he wanted to be a painter, but waspeer pressured into only playing sportsas a man. If you can be that amazing musician, dancer, or artist, he will have an enormous amount of appreciation for you. Do something well that he enjoys, but doesnt do well himself.
If you are fearful of a dishonest boyfriend or husband, perhaps the best type of man to keep forever is a lower income fella who is average looking and kind. A sixth grade teacher making $60,000 a year who likes to play softball with his buddies is a good example. Teachers are inherently caring, but are woefully underpaid for what they contribute to society. Its much easier for you to make more than $60,000 a year than to try to outdo some private equity guy making $1,000,000 a year. Those guys get so much action its unbelievable.
Money emancipates many men. No longer do they want the average looking woman even if the men are themselves below-average looking. They want the super model. No longer do men with money show tremendous patience at four-way stop signs. Theyll barrel on through because they think they are now better than people like me who drive Honda Fits.
You cant totally fault guys for eating too many cookies when a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies are taken out of the oven and presented to them every day. You can only understand their temptation and try and make them smell a sizzling steak instead.
Finally, it may be better to find a man who has already been wealthy for many years because hell have grown accustomed to his wealth. Men who start off with little money and suddenly have a lot are ones to watch out for. Such a man is going to work through all his demons and desires until he finally returns to center. Sometimes youre just going to have to trust your gut and hope for the best. What matters most is if he still loves you at the end of the day.
I recommend everybody be an independent person and stay on top of their own finances. Check outPersonal Capital, a free financial tools software that allows you to track your net worth and optimize your finances. Its one of the best tools you can ever use to growth your wealth. Ive been using it since 2012 and have seen my net worth surge higher since.
Photo: A kiss on Waikiki beach during sunset, 2017.
Author Bio:Sam started Financial Samurai in 2009 to help people achieve financial freedom sooner, rather than later. He spent 13 years working in investment banking, earned his MBA from UC Berkeley, and retired at age 34 in San Francisco.
Sams favorite free financial tool hes been using since 2012 to manage his net worth isPersonal Capital. Every month, Sam runs his investments through their free Retirement Planner and Investment Checkup tool to make sure he stays financially free, forever. Its free and easy to use.
For investing opportunities in 2019, Sam is most interested in investing in the heartland of America throughreal estate crowdfunding. Property valuations are much cheaper and net rental yields are much higher. There is a demographic trend towards moving away from higher cost areas of the country to lower cost areas thanks to technology.
I was having a conversation just a couple of days ago with some co-workers about the fact that wealth doesnt make people bad, but it does have the power to magnify their unsavory characteristics. An unfaithful poor man may not have the money to woo a mistress, but if hes unfaithful at his core, hell find other ways to do it.
I think its pretty funny that you posted this article, considering how un-PC it is! However, I do think there is a lot of truth in what you say. I lived in Hong Kong for 4 years, and I saw what all the finance guys were getting up to. My husband is not in finance but he makes a pretty good income. I dont want him to make more!! (Even though it would be fun to have more money.) Its even worse in HK and Shanghai than in the US because Being a foreign man there adds extra desirability. *Sigh* We were there when we were younger, but if we did our Asia expating as 40 year olds Im not sure what would have happened. So many of my old friends have ended up divorced. And, I should mention that we are in love and very happily married! But, its so hard to resist constant temptation.
Interesting take on the subject. I love it when the emotion of the situation is taken out of it and we can look at it as objective as possible.
Right now, Im the breadwinner, so hopefully my fiance decides to stick with me after all 😉
Your way overthinking this. All women have to do to hold onto the majority of men, rich or poor is 3 simple things. Cook, sex, and fun.
In all of my friends marriages that have not worked at least 2 of these things were missing. I cant think of 1 person I know who got a divorce that was getting fed, having regular sex, and having fun with their spouse.
I would change the order (priority) to sex, fun ,food never was a big foodie
It seems quite obvious to me. A certain percentage of the population is prone to cheating (male or female). With increased money comes increased opportunity to cheat with less effort and risk. Therefore it follows that as a percent, wealthier people will tend to cheat more than less wealthy people who have less opportunity and more risk of getting caught. There are always outliers but the greater the sample population the clearer the bell curve becomes.
Any attempts to lock down someone (or keep yourself attractive, attentive etc.) to keep them from straying may work for a while but if they are naturally prone to it, and they have the means to increase opportunity and ease of execution it will eventually happen in my opinion. And by prone I mean they lack the willpower to resist their self indulgence urges in every case. Everyone has attractions, fantasies, infatuations thats normal, but not everyone acts on them consequences be damned.
The comments back and forth is way more interesting than the original blog
Sam, why do I have this sneaky feeling that you deliberately lit this fire to sit back and watch the show (and continuously throw fresh fuel on). Did you need a little distraction from your day job?
Were not in financial Kansas anymore toto!.
You got me! I do enjoy reading from the community. Thats part of the fun of blogging.
Most men are average to below-average looking compared to women.
A high percentage of girls at most clubs will be fat and a similarly high percentage of guys at the same club will be jacked.
Due to the high number of fat girls, I would be shocked if female attractiveness is higher than male attractiveness in the US.
The women here in Hawaii are beautiful. Have you ever been? Im here right now and all I want to do is eat right and get in better shape because of what I see.
Im excited for you then. You will be amazed. Where are you living?
Let us all know when you get that dream job writing for Cosmo. Toodles!
My phone is ringing off the hook! Always good to diversify genres as a writer given its a tough and competitive world out there.
I dont know where to begin with this article?
Since you are a man (and I presume not gay), I dont think you are qualified to describe the physical attractiveness of men. I think you will need female opinion for that.
As far as the longevity of marriage? That is such a complex subject. There are so many factors involved with this issue. People change as they age (both physically and mentally), and the marriage relationship also changes.
Is money a factor? Sure! But I dont think it is the primary issue. I can certainly say that having a high earning or more talented wife will not necessarily stop a husband from straying. If the husband has opportunities to stray; it is more likely to occur.
Also.. You seem to be discounting the fact wives frequently stray. Probably more often than husbands stuck at boring corporate jobs (with long hours in pointless meetings).
Folks dont have to listen to me, even though its so obvious. They can listen to the studies done by psychologies and doctors all over. Click the link to check out the graphs.
If beautiful people have more daughters, and if physical attractiveness is heritable, then it follows that, over time, women become physically more attractive than men. This indeed appears to be the case.
The logic of the generalized Trivers-Willard hypothesis (gTWH) suggests that physically more attractive parents are more likely to have daughters than physically less attractive parents. As I explain in earlier posts, the data from both the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health (Add Health) in the United States and the National Child Development Study (NCDS) in the United Kingdom confirm this prediction. Physically more attractive parents are significantly more likely to have a daughter as their first child than physically less attractive parents.
If beautiful parents are more likely to have daughters, and if physical attractiveness is heritable (such that beautiful parents beget beautiful children and ugly parents beget ugly children), then it logically follows that, over many generations in the course of human evolution, the average level of physical attractiveness among women should gradually increase and the average level of physical attractiveness among men should gradually decrease. No matter what the initial sex difference in physical attractiveness (whether men were more attractive than women, women were more attractive than men, or there were no sex differences in physical attractiveness), given long enough time, the outcome should be that women are on average more physically attractive than men are.
Earlier studies indeed show that women are on average physically more attractive than men both in Japan and in the United States. The analysis of the NCDS data replicates the sex difference in physical attractiveness in the United Kingdom.
As you can see, girls are on average physically more attractive than boys are. A majority (56.03%) of the girls are either attractive or very attractive, whereas the comparable figure among boys is much lower (41.75%). In fact, a majority (51.21%) of the boys are about average. Nearly twice as many girls (19.53%) as boys (10.51%) are very attractive. It therefore appears that, both in the United Kingdom and the United States, women are indeed more physically attractive on average than men are, at least partly because beautiful parents are, and have been, more likely to have daughters.
Money or no money, people find ways to cheat because theres always opportunities that are not solely dependent on money. Its like the Fraud Triangle.
One thing money can buy is access to more opportunities. For example, if you can afford a guest house or an empty apartment in a foreign land, it makes everything a lot easier.
It appears to me that when you reach a certain level of enlightenment in your life, your attraction to people depends way less on their outward, physical appeal and more on what their character is. I would think that a marriage is much more likely to succeed when both partners are committed to growing as people, and want to help each other improve, not view it as a game with every man for himself and the one with the hottest, youngest spouse wins 😉
The application of financial logic is probably not the best solution to moral quandaries. The hope of retaining any long-lasting real relationship by any financial means or solution is truly nonsensical.
You can put time and effort in to a financial based resolution but it is likely futile since your effort is going in to solutions that wont produce the desired result. This is behavior based and while financial wealth can play a part as mentioned in the study above any person with a self-perceived high self-worth will justify unethical behavior in their mind.
The study might have some truth to it, but in this country only less than 5% of people make that kind of money, so the info is a bit skewed. I also read somewhere a few years ago that around 70% of men have cheated in the past, and who do you think they are stepping out with, the other 70% of the women population. Everything in this life is a risk, and marriage is not the exception. I think cheating is more a personality thing, and less of an income thing.
Glad you guys have mutual feelings! Thats wonderful!
I wonder if it feels worse when a woman cheats because she feels emotionally disconnected, or for a woman when a man cheats because hes simple looking for variety.
Sounds like your friend has major trust issues and insecurity. The most important factors for a successful relationship is trust and compatibility. Her relationship is missing trust if shes asking you that question.
Er, yes. That much is obvious! Solutions? Lets focus on solutions and actions.
Tell her to see a therapist or a relationship counselor to deal with her trust issues. If her husband is also your friend, then she shouldnt be discussing this topic with you. If hes not a friend, then you can offer to be the guy who she can cheat with.
Say, every year each put in actual cash of 15% of income into a Dont Stray pot. When one cheat the other take all the pot balance and that balance will be excluded from later divorce lawsuit. Then the pot start again from zero.
Sounds like a fun game! What if one spouse earns 10X more than the other? Same 15% contribution of income, or should we go progressive tax government style?
To be simple I would use straight flat Dont Stray tax of 15% apply to the gross income. The nominal amount in the pot is adequate for the one who earns less the woman.
But if she really wants to punish her wealthy man, a progressive Dont Stray tax rate same as the Fed Tax Rate can be applied to the gross income, no deduction of any kind. This hurts the wealthy man more.
It truly depends on the man wealthy or not. Even the poorer ones can cheat! Money is an easy catalyst but I think more importantly men tire of women easily, and this is because they can and they need more either to satisfy their lust or intellectual need. Everything around us is made to tempt them, and they dont have moral or social obligations to cater to that anymore. Women are too obsessed with their looks they go overboard to please everyone except the person who matters at home. I have seen women stoop low to love and be loved. I am concerned that love should not be bought this way. I dont think earning higher than a man is gonna keep him intact either- nor I would like someone to stick to me because of money i have or some form of control. Then that is not a relationship I want to be in. There are many others who are comfortable with unbalanced arrangements and to those, I feel they are walking on edges and dont be surprised if they fall over. I have no pity for those for they made their own bed. Love should be love and people should know what they are commiting to and be ready to stand by it or leave when things dont work.
Did you have to out JD Roth like that? ..and he didnt get 4MM for his blog. Get your facts straight Sam.
Perhaps his previous relationship had issues and he saw this moment as a good time to cut things off. Someone as ingenious and as bright as JD wouldnt have just made that drastic change based on the financial windfall that he received from selling his blog.
Huh? I wasnt referring to JD at all. I think youre confusing GRS with the hundreds of millions of other sites on the web. The site that was sold is health / lifestyle related that receives over 1.3 million page views a month.
And if I was referring to JD, then are you not the one outing JD by writing JDs name? You put me in a pickle here approving your comment, but its fun to hash out. There are lots of similarities in much of what we do because theres such a large population.
And if thats what JD is doing and both men and women respect him for seeking what he wants, then more power to him.
Dont be offended by my critisizm, I think you do a great job on a lot of topics. But I think youre way off base on this one.
Ive known a few cheaters and some of them are jerks while others are fairly respectable guys that love their wives but want a little variety occationally. And for the record, I dont cheat, but I am interested in the psychology of why guys risk their marriages and sometimes ruin thier lives for a little action. I think that most men are eather likely to cheat or they are not. But there is a small percentate, maybe 20-ish% of men that arent likely to cheat but might be convinced to do so and feeling untrusted or manipulated by their wives might just pust them over the edge. And the passive aggressive attitude, or some might say manipulation, that youre suggesting just might push that 20-ish% into the cheater camp.
My opinion is that women should be careful about who they marry. They should marry a guy who is willing to discuss thier concerns and fears instead of discount them as silly womens worries. They should get pre-marital counselling and not marry a guy who is not willing to do that and talk about issues and concerns like this. The best advice I heard about marriage was that love is a verb, not a noun or adjective. Its an action. You choose to love someone, you dont fall in love. You fall into infatuation with someone and infatuation wears off.
Twice during my six year marriage my wife has found a pair of panties in our house that didnt belong to her. I have no idea where they came from. Weve had house guests, house sitters, stayed at other peoples houses during our vacations and vacactioned with other people. I have no explanation for their appearance but thats a hard thing to dismiss if you dont have trust. But I listened to her concerns, we talked about it and the second time I even tried to find the source by asking a few people that have stayed in our house or people weve vacationed with recently. she trusts me and we got through it. But if she were listening to people who were telling her to passive aggressively manipulate me, it would have been much more difficult. She also makes about 10% more than me (woo hoo!) and I dont think that factors into whether or not I would cheat. I just think cheating is a really stupid thing to do when you have so much to lose.
Given she makes 10% more than you, perhaps you dont know it, but that could very well be the reason why she has locked you down! Youre not going to mess up your relationship b/c you see her as an equal if not more!
Interesting story about finding a random womans underwear in your house. I guess guilty or innocent, deny, deny, deny is the takeaway Im getting if you arent caught in the act?
No, youve got it wrong. We got married at 35 and 36. By that time I was smart enough to know that if we were going to make a marriage work it would take 100% committement on both our parts and wed each have to give up some things and certainly one of those things would be seeing other people, thats kind of a no-brainer. I just happend to marry someone with good career potential in the petro industry so her salary has grown faster than mine. I made more than her when we got married.
As for the panties thing, Im not telling someone how to get away with it. I dont do it so I dont have to get away with it. But this weird thing happened twice and if I didnt listen and validate that her concerns are important and if she was being influenced by others to not trust me by passively aggressively subverting any attempt I might have to cheat, then it would have been much more difficult to get through it.
Your advice in telling women how to get their husband to not cheat after theyve selected him is off the mark. Im saying they should choose a husband who wont cheat by discussing it with him and getting premarital counselling. And for those who are already married, its not too late for discussion and marital counseling isnt just for failing marriages. Infidelity is the second largest cause of divorce and I suspect it occurs at some point in 25% or more of marriages. Thats not something to be taken lightly and any guy worth his salt will listen to his wifes concerns.
Although it sounds like good advice to have a discussion by telling the other spouse dont cheat on me in order for the spouse not to cheat on you, we all know that actions speak louder than words. I discuss and ask people not to do stuff all the time, but very seldom does anybody ever listen to me all the time.
But all in all, yes, having an open discussion to discuss and understand one partys concerns is very important.
My comment is from the perspective of someone who has been cheated on. My first husband was the most loving and attentive he could be with me. We were really happy and didnt even have a lull in our marriage when the cheating started. I was the only one working throughout our six year marriage so making more money didnt keep him from straying. He was an older college student who seemed to take forever to graduate. My ex definitely had attractive qualities despite the lack of money. He was intelligent, spoke five languages, handsome, athletic, thoughtful, romantic, and sentimental. He prided himself on his integrity so when I confronted him about the affair he was truly ashamed. I honestly dont believe that my ex was seeking for an affair. I think he was intrigued when he met his mistress and he liked the excitement because he was a person who always had a need to keep experiencing new things, like how he loved to travel all over the world. In addition, she is probably more intelligent than I am being that she was a graduate genetics researcher at Stanford at the time. A year after our divorce, we were still friends while living on opposite ends of the U.S., so when the mistress (now his wife) called me to let me know that he had suddenly died I was in utter disbelief and sadness because I thought of him as the love of my life. During that call his wife did something thoughtful for me. She said that my ex had mentioned how much I loved making flower arrangements (its true, I plan on opening a flower shop one day) and asked if I would like to make a flower arrangement for his casket. This conversation showed me that the two of them had a good relationship and that she was a kind person, similar to me, actually, so I shouldnt have been surprised that my ex ended up with her. It hurt less to know that he didnt throw away our relationship for someone insignificant.
Nevertheless, I was so depressed after my exs death that I didnt date or socialize for two years. Im now married again after dating my husband for four years. Im still the breadwinner in the relationship and I do believe that my husband thinks Im a great catch because I do make a good income, can cook, am fun, and keep it exciting in the bedroom. I dont worry about my current husband cheating on me because if he does then he truly doesnt love me and I wouldnt want to be in a relationship where Im not valued.
I think Sams advice is good but there are no guarantees because it does come down to each individuals needs. Figure out what it is that is most important to your husband and keep him really happy with those areas.
The premise of this post is offensive. Two people who truly love each other and are committed shouldnt have to worry about earning more or coming from a powerful family. My husband loved me when I made $11 an hour as a nanny while I studied and he loves me the same now that I make considerably more. Likewise, I loved him when he made $9 as an administrative assistant and had thousands of dollars in credit card debt. And now that he has a regular job and a nice income, I dont love him any more.
Believe it or not, some relationships arent based on money or power at all- they are based solely on love and respect. Any man I had to worry about cheating on me would be out of my life immediately. And any woman who is trying to lock her man down forever needs to take a serious look at what shes fighting for.
Although, like you, I was offended by my friend asking me such a ridiculous question, I still wanted to help her find some solutions.
Shouldnt have to is easy to say, but how do you deny how someone feels?
Im surprised you dont believe in the UC Berkeley study about how wealthier people tend to cheat more and disregard the rules more.
Perhaps there is a disconnect because